“I wasn’t in a rut, I was in a hole,” says Alice*, a local older adult who reached out to CJI for support in 2020. She found CJI’s Elder Mediation Services when she searched “elder abuse.”

Mistreatment from children

Alice was feeling mistreated by her two children—especially her middle-aged son. He visited weekly, broke things and pressured Alice to give him money—sometimes thousands of dollars. Her son hollered at her if she resisted, “You’re mean! You owe me!” He peppered her with statements like, “You’re crazy, you don’t know what you’re doing.” Her son also pressured her to keep her aging home, which needed more repairs than she had the money or energy to make. He wanted to inherit the house.

To make matters worse, Alice felt “isolated and alone,” separated from her usual support system during the pandemic. “I wanted to protect my mother so I grocery shopped at 7 am and didn’t see anyone.” With no frame of reference, she internalized her son’s confidence-stealing words.

Co-mentor values and supports

Elder Mediation Services Coordinator Wendy Meek visited Alice to assess her needs then connected Alice with a volunteer co-mentor named Tracy*. “I had a connection with Alice right away,” says Tracy. “She is smart, funny and extremely accomplished.” Alice had worked as a psychiatric nurse and has many interests, including reading and gardening. Tracy often teased Alice about being too competent. “If someone calls Alice with a crisis, she has it solved in 45 minutes!”

A retired community and social justice worker and therapist, in her co-mentoring role Tracy supported Alice as an equal, not a service provider. Weekly phone calls with Tracy gave Alice hope. “She was my sounding board.” Tracy pointed out all the ways Alice was competent, not “crazy .” Tracy also helped Alice reflect on better times with her son and have compassion for his declining mental health while making decisions that were best for her.

Learning Zoom and reconnecting

During one of their calls, Alice confessed she didn’t know how to use Zoom. Tracy walked her through it over the phone. This new skill meant Alice could reconnect with her church and access online community support groups. Once she started socializing again, Alice’s confidence grew. Alice began setting boundaries with her son. “In theory, I knew what the right thing was to do. But I didn’t have anyone standing behind me [to help me set boundaries].”

With Tracy in her court, Alice gathered the courage to gradually wean her son off her financial “gifts” that put her in debt. She also decided to sell her house. “My son is still angry. But I had to do what was right for me.”

Two-way relationship

Tracy also benefited from the relationship. “I learned about aging, friendships, and independence from Alice.” She uses these insights to relate to her parents and in-laws. When she feels frustrated with them, she reminds herself that they do things a certain way because its important to them.

New outlook and a spa tub

In 2023, Alice moved to a home that suits her better. With the sale proceeds she cleared her debt and even put in a spa tub! “My experience with CJI has been really positive,” says Alice. “[Without CJI’s support] I would never have moved because I would not have had the confidence to tell my son ‘no’.”

*Not their real names